Ah, true geezers....

MIDCOAST (Oct 24, 2004): I am a lucky woman in many ways. One of these is that I married into a family of geezers. They know it and they're proud.
Webster's says a geezer is an old person, especially an eccentric old man. My man is not old yet. Eccentric, maybe. But he's a geezer for sure. A geezer is a family man through and through. There is no one more trustworthy, reliable or loyal. There is also no one more habitual and old-fashioned.
Here are my thoughts on geezerdom. See if you fit in. Women apply.
Geezers have to be dead not to go to work.
They are always right out straight. They may seem like they are sitting still, but they are still right out straight.
They use the same coffee cup every day and may even prefer the same spoon, if there is a special one in the drawer.
They have multiple tool boxes. One for the house and one for the garage, and maybe even one for each floor of the house.
They have multiple rolls of duct tape, definitely in gray, and most likely in other colors.
They have multiple chainsaws and sets of tire chains, too.
They like to sit and shoot the breeze in the garage or in the doorway where they can watch the cars go by. This is when they are especially right out straight.
Geezers bring their lunch to work every day. There is no food like what the wife fixes, especially those chocolate chip cookies you haven't made in a long time, dear.
You never have to ask a geezer to fix something twice. They either fix it right the first time or call for help.
Geezers can't, or won't, program a VCR. They're not ashamed of asking the wife to record the NASCAR race or the episode of "Monster Garage" they don't want to miss. They can't see it right away because they are right out straight working in the garage, mowing the lawn, stacking wood, or driving their pickup truck into town for a newspaper and a scratch ticket.
At work, the phone is a useful tool. At home, geezers would rather not talk on the phone unless it's to a family member. They won't talk into answering machines. They hate it when businesses have machines answering their phone calls. There is no place on their belt for a cell phone, but there is for a Leatherman.
Geezers do not navigate the Internet except to look for old car, truck or tractor parts, research the family tree, or be in touch with people who share their hobbies. Geezers will not pay bills online and don't think much of instant messaging. But they will ask the wife to tell them who's on the pole in that week's NASCAR race or check the football results Sunday evening.
Geezers like to watch "60 Minutes" as a way to wind down into Monday morning.
Geezers are early risers. They are dog people. And cat people. And they love farm animals...maybe even tend some themselves.
Geezers sit in the same spot on the couch each and every night. Their bowls cannot hold enough ice cream. Geezers eat the same lunch every Saturday and stop at the same place in the PBJ to refill their milk glasses. They like their old brands of cereal, toothpaste, soap, orange juice and (insert product here) just fine, thanks.
Geezers don't have comb-overs. But you never have to convince them it's time for a trip to the barbershop. They go willingly. Geezers do not have goatees, or funny little facial hair thingys, though they may have beards. Chances are if they have a beard, it's seasonal, and used only as insulation in the colder months. Hair gel? Only if it's good for use in the garage, not the bathroom.
Geezers do not have earrings and they do not have tattoos, unless they got them a long time ago.
Geezers are not fair-weather fans. They have rooted for the same driver, baseball team, football team or hockey team since they were boys. Basketball is not a geezer sport except when it comes to dooryard games with the children.
Do not tell a geezer he should wear aftershave unless he already does. If he does, it's a habit formed long ago. Geezers don't drive foreign pickup trucks. Unless they bought them used, with 100,000 miles already on them.
The geezer's favorite cloth is flannel. His underwear is boxers. His favorite designer is Carhartt. His colors are camouflage and blaze. He'd be happy to wear the same brand of socks until the day he dies. Please, buy him the brand of jeans he favors. He won't wear the other ones unless everything else is really dirty. Same goes for sneakers...and he has a pair for yard work and a pair for good.
Do not ask a geezer to go shopping, unless it's to the auto parts or hardware store. Big boxes are anti-geezer.
And don't forget the "Uncle Henry's."
Note: Think you are not a geezer because you have an earring or a tattoo, or too many of the above don't apply? If you have a brother or father who is a geezer, then you can consider yourself a geezer in training. Give yourself a few years.
Here is a recipe sure to please your favorite geezer:
Brown a pound or so of ground beef in a pan. Add some tomato sauce from a jar, for taste and color. Keep the mixture moist, but not wet. Add onion salt, garlic powder or other spices if you wish. Boil a pound of elbow macaroni. Drain. Mix the meat and pasta in a casserole dish coated with no-stick spray. Stir in shredded jack or American cheese, or a combination. You want the flavor of the cheese, but not lots of strings. Bake in a 350-degree oven for 20 minutes or until heated through. Call it dinner. Serve with carrot sticks and ranch dressing. Save some for lunch boxes the next day.