a great bike idea

A modest proposal



Contributed by Greg Gordon/For the Kaimin
Tuesday, 07 February 2006
This column is dedicated to the memory of environmental studies professor Bert Pfeiffer, who never failed to stand up for his beliefs and put his words into his everyday actions without dogma. Bert actively opposed the Vietnam War, and exposed the use of Agent Orange, a risky and unpopular position in the 1960s. A committed activist, Bert rode his bicycle to campus every day rain or shine well into his 70s, when he finally retired. Trusting in the goodness of the campus community, Bert never locked his bike, but simply left it standing outside Rankin Hall. When my head was filled with despair of global warming, nuclear proliferation and postmodern angst, nothing lifted my spirit so much as seeing 75-year-old Bert wobbling across campus on his rickety, one-speed bike.
Let me see if I have this straight:
1. Global climate change is drastically affecting our weather patterns, creating droughts and hurricanes, melting ice caps, raising sea levels and causing the proliferation of exotic species and tropical diseases. It is wreaking potential havoc on agriculture and ecosystem resilience, not to mention totally messing with the skiing. Cars are a major source of global warming.
2. Missoula suffers from some of the worst air pollution in the country. Cars are a major source of air pollution.
3. Traffic accidents are the leading cause of death and injury in this country.
4. We are currently embroiled in a terrible war over access to oil.
5. Parking lots require an enormous amount of space.
6. Bicycles are the most efficient means of transportation on earth.
7. Bicycles are non-polluting, quiet and healthy.
8. The Office of Public Safety reports a grand total of ZERO pedestrian/bicycle accidents.
9. ASUM is considering banning BICYCLES????
The reasons for such drastic action according to Kaimin guest columnist Christopher Lilly and ASUM Senator Jake Pipinich are, as near as I can tell:
1. Bicyclists are rude and wantonly mow down pedestrians. Umm, not too sure about this, so I called the Office of Public Safety and they have no record of any pedestrian/bicycle accidents. I can say that I’ve had to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting someone yakking on a cell phone who stepsed out in front of me, totally oblivious to the world around her. Both parties apologized and went on their way. I’ve also been hit twice this year by cars, the drivers yakking on cell phones. Solution: BAN CARS AND CELL PHONES, and issue tickets for rude behavior.
2. Bicyclists have beards, don’t shower and wear wool hats. Solution: Enforced dress code on campus.
3. Bicyclists are immature. Acting in accordance with your principles so as to make the world a better place for ourselves, others on the planet and our children is immature, but driving your SUV 10 blocks, circling three times for a parking space, and then rushing across campus yakking on a cell phone and wearing pajama bottoms to class is maturity?
I propose ASUM consider the following:
1. Ban cars on campus. (Mobility-impaired excepted). There is more than adequate public transportation from anywhere in Missoula to UM. We can put all those parking lots to far better uses. Like a new business school or perhaps the George Bush Institute of Democracy where Pipinich and Lilly could find justification for inflicting their notions upon the majority.
2. Issue free bicycles to all incoming students. Those Ivy League schools give students laptops; UM has to compete. How can we compete with Harvard? We have a bicycle-friendly campus filled with healthy, vigorous students and faculty that trot up a mountain between classes. Note to Lilly: chicks dig hard bodies.
3. Issue free ski passes with registration. Hey, while we’re at it, why not?
4. Ban cell phones and immaturity and rudeness.
5. Ban pedestrians. You don’t hear bicyclists complaining, do you?
6. OK, here’s a real solution: Why not just make bike lanes? A couple of guys with a can of paint can solve the whole thing by painting bike lanes on those wide sidewalks.
Seriously, what worries me about this issue is how instead of seeking input to a perceived problem (did I mention zero record of any reported encounter?) Lilly and Pipinich wish to impose their will upon others by manufacturing a problem and instituting Draconian measures. This seems to be reflective of current political discourse since Dubya took office. We miss ya, Bert.
—Greg Gordon, graduate,
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