Ya should be happy to get a kiss!

By JOHN CARLSON
Recently, a younger co-worker of mine witnessed a traumatic spectacle.
Old people kissing.
After describing it in graphic detail, she shuddered and turned away in horror, as if she'd just seen an asphalt-roller driver - perhaps one paving a petting zoo's parking lot - accidentally back over Quackerville.
She was ruined for life.
I sympathized, of course, but after listening to her tale, I thought it needed clarification on a couple important points.
First, the kissers weren't really old people.
They were, like, in their 50s, which to my way of thinking means they were just a couple of kids.
Younger people don't realize that, as one ages, one's age-related ideas of sexual attractiveness and appropriate behavior automatically adjust with it.
For example, I am certain that when my buddies and I are in our 90's, we will be sitting around the rest home elbowing each other and whispering things like, "Whoa! Check out that hottie in the skimpy pink slippers!"
On the other hand, I suppose it is possible for kissers of any age to go beyond the bounds of propriety.
A kiss, after all, is an innocent little peck, or maybe even a smooch, or perhaps something more intense.
But what she described was the sort of tooth-mashing, tonsil-throttling, full-contact lips-and-gums assault more accurately described as "sucking face."
Even that might be acceptable up to a point, I suppose.
However, I can see my friend's point, too.
Sucking face is not the sort of intense physical interaction a young woman her age wants to witness between people who buy their Metamucil in six-packs.
Frankly, I wouldn't endorse it either, except under extraordinarily special circumstances, such as being reunited with a loved one after a long and painful separation, or your spouse buying you a bass boat.
Then I could see the passionate embrace, the longing look, the frantically muttered "I love you! I love you! I love you!" until, finally, the magic moment was forever sealed with a deep, long, soul-searching kiss that promises "We shall never be apart, my darling, never, ever, ever."
With your boat, I mean.
But regardless of age, this must be done with a full understanding of the potential consequences.
Youngsters?
Their braces could snag.
On the other hand, an oldster's fast-setting Super Poligrip could mix with his lady friend's fast-setting Super Poligrip and, when they pull away for a gulp of air, both sets of dentures come flying out of their mouths between them.
Of course, then they are going to have to break their embrace to catch their now-cemented dentures in mid-air, grab them by either end and pry them apart, hope they got the right set, then yank them back out of their mouths and trade if they didn't.
This could possibly take some of the romance out of being an older couple in love.