God says Pi is 3, period

Evolution start of intelligent crusade
By Josh Steichmann / Rhetoric ninja of great renown MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2005
As you may have heard, the Kansas State Board of Education finally rendered their verdict on teaching Intelligent Design, a hypothesis that promotes the idea that the universe and life specifically is "too complex" to have arisen through evolution. With a resounding six-to-four vote, Kansans will no longer have to suffer under the tyranny of observable evidence, testable hypotheses, or repeatable data. Rejoice! This is a victory against the Godless, who insist on forcing their rational empiricism down the throats of wayward students. They even redefined the word "science," away from a definition of "seeking observable explanations for natural phenomena." But, like many of the decisions in this so-called Christian Nation, it did not go far enough. While students here at Eastern were no doubt heartened by the Kansan victory, they must redouble their efforts to change the curricula at our university. And they must not stop at the relatively minor accomplishment of Intelligent Design being democratically voted in as a possible argument for the origins of life. No, for if that is the end of teaching based on what we don't know, we will have achieved less than half of the necessary changes for a true religious republic. Intelligent Design is well and good, a perfectly cromulent approach to scientific learning. But what of the other disciplines? Should we falter in applying the strenuous logic of Intelligent Design to other areas of study? We would be remiss and hell-bound should our only accomplishments come on this narrow front. What of Intelligent Mathematics? If anything, this is an area that strikes at the true heart of the dogmatic atheocrats and their enforced rationality. Even more than biology, which acknowledges that different theories may simply be the best representation of current knowledge, mathematics insists that there is one right answer to every problem, even when that right answer directly contradicts the Bible. Take, for example, 1st Kings 7:21: "And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about." Even a brief mathematical examination can show us that in the Bible, pi is clearly exactly three. For years, mathematicians, a study commonly associated with paganism and licentiousness, have been deluding us with the story that not only is pi slightly higher than three, but that we cannot know it in its entirety. If, by following the rubric of Intelligent Design, we cannot know pi, then it must have been designed. And, if it must have been designed and the Bible was dictated directly from that designer, then it clearly shows that pi is exactly three. The fine state of Indiana tried to espouse this clear and inerrant logic not too long ago, only to be beaten back by the Godless hordes of sodomites who demanded that their perverted interpretation of pi be recognized, lest they bar students of Indiana from higher education and well-paying jobs. This aggression cannot stand, students of Eastern. Demand in your math classes that pi be presented to the Biblical standard of exactly three. No doubt many of the faithful have noticed another discipline long under assault by the liberal idolaters: linguistics. Nowhere has their influence been more pervasive than in the spelling and grammar of our language, and their attempts to wrest the common bond of all pious men from the true root of the King James Bible. If given even a glancing examination, we will find that the English language is too complex to have arisen through random acts of phonemes and glottal stops. Why, if language arose spontaneously, as some of the loony left would have you believe, does "I" come before "E" except after "C?" Why isn't "wife" spelled "wyf"? If one looks back at pre-Biblical spelling, such as the Canterbury Tales, it can be clearly seen that the language was nearly incomprehensible. And if you listen to the pagan moon-worshipers, they'll even posit Beowulf as an example of "Old English," the supposed roots of our modern tongue! Have you ever tried to read Beowulf? It's clearly not in English, despite the secular lies of those who wish to bring us back to Gomorrah. I shouldn't be surprised if these aren't the same liberal "environmentalists" that have killed off the behemoth and leviathan. Be happy for Intelligent Design in Kansas, but don't forget to demand your right to a pi of exactly three and the right to use "ye" and "thou" as pronouns in your English classes. To do any less would fail God, and that wouldn't be "intelligent," would it?